Journeying Together in Marriage
By Meg Lund


Our family has been on a spiritual journey together since before our marriage. Our initial attraction to each other was based on our mutual love for God. It seems as if God often speaks to both of us about important things at the same time, when we're both being prayerful. In other words, I'll be explaining some concept that has finally sunk from my head to my heart to Bill, and he'll pull something out of something he just read and say, "like this," and it will be a paraphrase of what I was just saying. This is sobornost (spiritual unity)!!! This is the beginning of true community and it begins in the family. Experiencing God's activity in one another is what binds us and strengthens us as individuals and as a family. It is also the beginning of our own self realization... discovering ourselves and becoming what we are meant to become through experiencing God's loving activity in another. This can ONLY happen when BOTH individuals are open and actively trying to grow spiritually. "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." Matthew 18:20

Getting started

Unfortunately, it is most often not the case where both married partners are on a spiritual journey together. This is actually a great opportunity for the spouse that is journeying to learn how to share in Christ's redemptive suffering. It's easiest to learn this with members of our own family, with whom we have a natural love bond... our spouse, children, parents, brothers and sisters.

In order to be effective in this spiritual battle, a soul must first be cleared of all attachment to sin, in a word, addiction. There are so many things that are addictive in today's culture... shopping, food, gossip, news, internet, etc. Anything that is difficult to abstain from should be suspect, and all of these should be abstained from regularly in order to root out any possible over-attachments.

What will typically happen as the soul moves closer to God through freedom from attachments, is that the darkness in the unconverted loved ones becomes annoyed. That's when attacks and persecutions of all kinds will take place, often with threats of leaving, if not actually leaving. This is a time for great perseverance and peace... how wonderful for that soul if there is a strong spiritual community to back them up in this battle, but often there is not. The unconverted loved ones also know most acutely the weaknesses of the converted soul, and will definitely play on those. It is not our own strength that we rely on, however, so we don't have to be discouraged by our own sinfulness... the blood of Jesus is sufficient for all.

This battle is only won when the loved ones firmly get on their own conversion, and sobornost is begun. There is no forcing this through nagging... it is a jewel that is only won through perseverance through the above stages. Loving and gentle conversation when an opening is there, and otherwise grounding the evil attacks through loving and persevering through them, often with "tough love" of allowing the other to leave, either emotionally or even physically, if need be. Also, practicing the opposite virtue of whatever vice is being expressed... humility defeats pride, simplicity defeats materialism, industry defeats sloth, gentleness defeats anger, etc.

In the beginning of this essay, I mentioned that my husband and I have always been journeying together, but, within that journey, there are always stumbling blocks, which can take some time to get over. If a couple allows a stumbling block to stop both of them, lukewarmness is the end result. As a spiritual team, SOMEONE has to keep the boat rowing in the direction of the Lord, even if it is quiet and subtle. Be not afraid and keep rowing!

What I have sadly seen in many instances, is that one of the spouses feigns a spiritual journey, by going through the exterior motions but without rending the heart. This can be in order to appease the other spouse, or for spiritual pride, typically as belonging to some "elitist" group. This can be very confusing, and the wrong spiritual direction through this time can completely derail a family's spiritual journey.

One misdirection that can cause spiritual death is for the journeying spouse to "submit" to the other spouse. There is a subtle difference between submission and acceptance of another's sin. This is especially difficult if the weakness is one which is mutually shared, for example, materialism. In the name of keeping a spouse happy, the other may end up serving manna. The entire family can be sunk into lukewarmness, if no one stands strong against a particular vice or attachment.

True friends do not keep silent when their friends are captured by some evil. It is our moral duty to help our spouses break free of all addictions and attachments that are keeping them from growing spiritually. This doesn't mean constant nagging, but ignoring the problem is not a solution either. Prayer, example and loving discussions at appropriate times are the best line of defense. Also, to remove temptations and get to the root causes of problems, which are often past hurts or guilt/emptiness over a dissatisfying, materialistic life. Sometimes the problem is physical, as with a sugar addiction, and can be helped with natural remedies.

A newly converted couple in today's world is like a couple of recovering alcoholics. Even if an alcoholic doesn't return to drinking, often, rather than healing his inner malady, he just turns it to another vice. That's what can happen and does happen so often in new converts. Rather than heal their inner wounds, they just put on the cover of spirituality... religiosity, and then proceed as if all is well, when all is not well. It is not enough to, for example, attend the Latin Mass, wear a chapel veil, hang out with "holy" people, and stay out of bars. Conversion has to be from the heart, with it's constant challenge to heal and grow, and sometimes that can get quite messy before it gets better. It's like cleaning out a closet or cleansing the body... things usually look worse once you get them all out to the surface, but then the true cleaning can begin.

Growing stronger

The family is a small community with a spirituality of its own. It grows and journeys together to the extent that the Head (father) and Heart (mother) are in harmony and growing spiritually. In order for this to progress smoothly, both members of the couple have to be following a set of "guidelines" for fair play within the marriage.

Married couples should be true friends and spiritual buddies. First and foremost, they need to commit to pray together. At the absolute minimum, to attend Sunday Mass together, but even better, to pray at least a few prayers together at the end of the day, and Grace before every meal. Ideally, the daily family Rosary should be prayed.. it is a powerful cement that binds the family together and a fortress to keep the evil one out of the home.

True friends spend time together. If there is not a quantity of quality time, there will be no progress as a couple, and hence, no progress as a family. I am not talking about time spent doing things together like modern couples, watching TV, going to a show, shopping, etc., but time spent alone in the quiet for long talks... long walks, alone time at night after the kids go to bed, or doing some mindless chore together that lends itself to visiting, such as washing dishes. Personally, I think an hour a day of such time is about right.

Manipulation

True friends do not play mind games and manipulate each other. As married partners, we know our spouses better than anyone. We know all of their weak and vulnerable spots, the buttons to push that will really hurt them. We know how to manipulate them to get them to do things our way. BUT WE MUST NEVER USE THIS POWER!!! It is absolutely wrong and completely destructive. We must guard each other's vulnerabilities and build up each other's dignity. A strong couple is two strong individuals, not one towering on top of the other.

Ways in which husbands and wives might manipulate each other are not always obvious, even to the couple themselves. Sometimes one spouse is so much a peacemaker that they take "too much" from the other spouse. Allowing one spouse to act abusively or selfishly is not helping the marriage... peace at all costs is not a healthy approach. Some have been abused as children and think that they are only worthy of abuse. I use the word "abuse," but it might not be recognized as such. Many of us were spoiled by our parents, and we continue to act as spoiled children to our spouses, having temper tantrums or pouty, silent treatments if things don't go our way. Those are manipulations, and are not fair play.

Finally, a subtle manipulation that can be especially common in religious couples is an overdoing of the "submissiveness" thing. Some women seem to feel "holy" when their men rule every detail of their lives. It's a subtle twist of the virtue, something the devil loves to do, where a good thing becomes unbalanced. When a woman begins to be treated like a slave, or is not consulted on major decisions (the man does get the final vote.. someone needs to have the extra 1/2% point of sway when there are 2, so, after taking into full consideration of her views, it is up to him to make the big decisions) or is not left to have her own dominion over her domicile (in other words, he has his work and she has hers, the little details/decisions of each are their own to make), or, finally, and ESPECIALLY, if she is subverting her own spiritual life in order to please him (this is a toughie... the devil loves to play this game and we've seen it often.. temper tantrums by the man because of the woman's spiritual life.. it's the devil raging and trying to discourage her and too often, it works) then this has gone too far.

Head and heart

The man is the head and the woman the heart, yet both of them need to be of "one mind and one heart"... that Mind and Heart is the Will of God and the Heart of Jesus when the couple is united in prayer with their faces turned toward heaven and the Holy Spirit binding them in the Sacrament of Marriage.

Honesty is required with ourselves and each other, and we need to courageously and lovingly work on ourselves and help each other on our journeys. That means openly discussing our weaknesses, fears, temptations and failures. Saying "I'm sorry" and asking for prayers when we fail is so important and such an excellent example to the children. We have to admit our weakness... our children won't think less of us, rather they will admire us and imitate us for our humility.

Defining Roles on the Homestead

As my husband and I merged into our homesteading lifestyle, we had to redefine our roles. It was rather interesting, as I am a leader type, and yet, it clearly didn't feel right for me to be leading the family now that he was home with us. My husband is not much of a leader type, and actually would rather play than initiate work projects. So, for the first several months, it seemed like we pretty much played, but, in time, we found our roles.

I used for the model in my mind something from a book I read early in my natural journey... the mother was historically the "queen" of the homestead. The husband and the kids worked to serve her with the raw materials, which she would then turn with loving hands into finished goods to nourish, clothe, clean and beautify. They would wait on her with firewood, water, whatever she needed. I could live with this, being "Queen Mom."

So, it's up to Mom to speak up and tell Dad what she needs next. If she's ready for a cow, the dad, and kids, need to get her the cow, put up the shelter and the fences, get the hay and water, milk the cow, bring her the milk, make her a cheese press, make her a cheese cave, and enjoy the work of her hands. It's up to the dad to be attentive to her needs, though she certainly won't get everything she "needs" immediately, but not to complain and work diligently to keep the homestead running smoothly. All outside projects should come after the family needs are met (so that family productivity is never slowed or stopped while Dad goes off to the "important" work), and the dad should carefully protect the family from outside "invasions." (To elaborate a bit, an invasion can be an ornery customer angry about a broken egg.)

Mom's realm of responsibility, therefore, is to keep Dad informed as to what she'll be needing, and to make best use of all of the fruit of the labor of the family homestead. She gets the younger kids and older girls as allies, and dad gets the 7 and older boys, and sometimes the whole crew if all can be helpful.

The more that each spouse fulfills their roles, the more the children will be happily fulfilling their roles, and life will run smoothly and peacefully. To the degree that either spouse fails in their duty to the family, there will be some degree of chaos on the homestead. If the homestead is messy, there is not nourishing and satisfying food available, if the children are howling and screaming, then the mom has hurt her family by her lack of fulfilling her vocation properly. The husband will likely be irritated and not want to be "around" and may even leave. On the other hand, if the husband is lazy and leads his children into a life of idleness, the whole family will never mature in Christ and turn their part of the Earth into a better place. The love of each spouse is shown by, and grows with, the work of their hands. The love of the children matures as they serve with their hands, and they become selfless, caring, capable, compassionate, creative, diligent and confident.

Actually seeing each other work hard physically for the good of the whole family is SOOOO important. No longer can we convince ourselves, "Oh, all he does is sit on the internet all day at the office." or "She just lays on the couch with the kids happily playing around her eating bon bons all day." It's human nature to think highly of ourselves and our own work, and to be more critical of others. Not actually being with the other person all day, it's much harder to sense their sacrifices that they make for you throughout the day. And, to be honest with ourselves, some of the "lazing" around just might be true.

This is ESPECIALLY important for children. Children have a very difficult time getting a visual concept of Dad's "work" and the fact that he sacrifices himself for the family, even though he isn't with them. On the other hand, a child GREATLY appreciates when Dad's strong arm reaches down and saves him from some danger, or helps him with a heavy load, or when he sees dad sweating hard to get the fence up to protect Mom's newly planted apricot trees.

Seeing my husband working up a really good sweat, and pushing himself beyond his comfort zone, on a regular basis this summer has greatly nourished our marriage. I really needed to see this, and he is getting increasingly attractive to me! When I see him working hard out there, it makes me (and I notice the same in the girls) want to work especially hard for him. I want to please him with a special dish, or I just want to be especially pleasant to him so that he knows how much I TRULY appreciate his sacrifice for our family. So, we all mutually motivate each other to be more and more self-giving to the good of the family and the community.

Extending our Love to Community

My husband knows that I fully admire his charity. He will drop what he is doing in an instant whenever anyone is in need, and seems charged by grace in return. I never worry that the work for the family is delayed... God will provide and won't be outdone in charity. Likewise, he is not jealous of the time that I extend to others, and never complains when I invite others to share in our homestead. We are united in our belief that our love is meant to be shared, and that we will never have less for ourselves when we do so, but the opposite. This wasn't always the case, though, as we used to be more jealous of our time together, since our time was insufficient. It is only since having dad at home full time do we feel content and secure enough to generously open up our lives to community.

Finally, having men at home within the community is very important for the protection and safety of the community. When emergencies happen, or threats are incurred, it is so reassuring to have the strongest members of our community within reach, rather than all spread apart at some far away jobs.